8 Reasons To Wife Her…A Man’s Perspective

 Note from the editor:

As the Misadventures experiences growth (thanx to all of you), I’m very much open to the contributions of other writers. So with no further adieu, I bring you the words of D. L. Smith. And I hope you enjoy them! –Love Ms. Not-Right-Now

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 D. L. Smith is a recent college graduate who enjoys corny jokes, crisp pizza, and horror movies in ghetto theaters. Ladies, he is also very single. And he’s probably going to kill me for saying that. LOL. Follow him on twitter at @EnjoyThat.

"Wife her because she wants to see you grow." - D. L. Smith

(1) Looks.

“Yo your wife is bad son,” is probably one of the best compliments a man feels he can receive. It shows that he knows how to pick ‘em and keep ‘em. We must be clear that looks are not the sole nor main reason to wife a girl. But they do play an important role. When you see attractive women daily, you need to be able to resist the temptation. Being satisfied with how your lady looks will help buffer daily testosterone outbreaks. Find someone who you’re proud to make your girl. Wife her because you are happy coming home to her face everyday.

(2) Attractive Personality.

Uh-oh, everybody just got quiet. This is the most important factor in wifing her. This is also the most complex of all the reasons. To start out, knowing what personality traits you find attractive begins with knowing yourself (PREACH!) Once we know what we like, don’t like, can tolerate, can’t tolerate, need, and expect, then we can decide what personalities are poppin’ to us. What I like may not be what you like. I like girls who are ambitious and funny. You may like the girl who is lazy and corny. To each his own, ya dig? But seriously, all of us, male and female, need to know ourselves first. So do some soul searching. Be real to yourself because if you can’t keep it real with yourself, how can you expect to keep it real with anybody else?

(3) Common Interests.

I actually got this from my uncle this past 4th of July weekend when I asked what keeps him and his wife of 49 years together. Find things that both of you like. You don’t have to enjoy everything each other does. But make sure that some of the things you genuinely enjoy doing, she likes doing–or can at least happily tolerate. And vice versa. If my girl loves to  dance, listen to music, and praise the Lord (Hallelujah!), then she’s in the running for me. If she likes Rick Ross as an artist/entertainer/person, WE WON’T WORK! Certain interests say things about a person. It doesn’t matter what you two have in common just make  sure that the things that are most fun to you, you can still do while she’s around.

(4) Humor!

Why did the fish get kicked out of school? He got caught with Sea-weed. If you and your partner can’t laugh together, you might as well kiss the whole relationship goodbye. SERIOUSLY. Sometimes she just needs to smile and the simplest way to a smile is through a laugh. If you’ve ever connected with a woman on that level you know what I’m talking about. You can laugh just by looking at each other. Make sure you two share a similar humor; this will make difficult times a lot easier.

(5) Financial Humility.

Yeah, she makes money but she doesn’t throw it in your face.  She still allows you to be a man and doesn’t let your (sometimes pitiful) attempts to financially provide for her go unappreciated. If she makes more than you, she doesn’t make you feel inadequate. She knows she doesn’t need you to pay for everything but she still recognizes how important it is to have a man in her life. And she lets you fill that void.

(6) Swag.

This is a make or break. If she is the type of woman who is too scared to be herself, regardless of who she’s around, this woman will lose out on a lot of good men. She must express herself (WITH TACT) and have confidence in her beliefs. She can’t be too shy. We ALL have to remember that no one can judge us but God–so stop worrying about what the next person thinks. PSA: You find self-esteem from your SELF. Not from any organization you join, any magazine you subscribe to, or any clothes and make-up you wear. Self-esteem comes from knowing yourself flaws and all, accepting it, and having the courage to be who God made you to be. Stop trying to be someone else. It is not sexy. Wife her because she’s confident in her own mind, body, and spirit.

(7) Integrity.

This is the woman with strong moral values. She loves hard. She doesn’t hate. Difficult to imagine but they exist. It takes a certain amount of life experience and growth for anyone to even reach this level. A woman with integrity is the one who is beautiful from every angle AND faithful as a mug. Once you build trust with her, it takes a lot to break it. I’m not saying she’s incapable of infidelity, lying, or what-have-you. But she will come to you and honestly confess her faults. A real man can only respect the way she goes about it because he knows no one is perfect. Her honesty is attractive. Knowing and trusting in her morals allows you to feel secure even when she’s backstage at the Trey Songz concert (DAAAYUM!! That’s extreme). You can be confident that even if something happens that may upset you, she will at least tell you about it. And that’s the most we can ask for. But it goes both ways. If we want these characteristics in a woman, we have to act the same way. Perfection is impossible but keeping honesty at the center of a relationship is damn good.

(8) Positive Support.

Often people will try to pass their negativity off as “realism.” True, as men we need to be smart and logical in our decisions and adventures. But if a man has a dream he wants support from his woman–NOT all the reasons why he shouldn’t do it. Encourage her to be critical of you but don’t allow her pessimism and fear to stop you from reaching your goals. As (black) men, there are already enough outside factors deterring us from believing in ourselves so we need positive inspiration in our romantic relationships to succeed. Wife her because she wants to see you grow.

Considering Tying the Knot?

Today, black people have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the US.

Marriage. In a society where nearly 50% of them fail, just saying the word can induce a migraine. The first thing it makes me think of is yelling, fighting, and custody. Admittedly, though, I am a child of divorce and have seen mostly marriage’s not-so-pretty side. Then there are the racial statistics that increase the risk of marriage failure if your skin is darker. And nowadays–if you’re black American–the chances of you actually ever getting married are pretty slim. But despite all the bad press, every so often I run into two people that make it seem like the greatest thing in the world. And that is the beauty of marriage, the mystery behind the “M” word–when it works it’s amazing and when it doesn’t work it’s hell.

So what makes a marriage work? Well I asked people and I did some research online. But that only brought up more questions. What is it exactly? Why do people do it? Why don’t people do it? What does it look like when it’s working? What does it look like when it’s failing? Does it only exist in these two extremes–blossoming or failing? Or do some people have average marriages?

As I began to dissect this marriage thing, I started to feel like the man in the yellow hat might come to claim me at any moment (that was a very clever Curious George reference just in case you didn’t get it!) Hopefully this particular curiosity does not kill me, however. Well I guess curiosity doesn’t really kill monkeys, just cats. But I digress. Since this marriage thing could go in so many directions, I wanted basics for now. I figured the best thing to do was ask Google “what should I know before getting married?” And voila. I stumbled upon a little guide from a guy who calls himself “dumb little man.” And his writing style is so exquisitely simple that I had to share it with my readers that might be just as curious as me about life after dating. So here is dumb little man’s “Things to Consider Before Getting Married.”

The Ultimate Ultimatum

Ultimatums can be an effective way to get what you want out of a relationship.

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy loves girl. Boy says “I’m not the marrying type.” Boy stays with girl for five years. Boy drops girl for some floozy and marries her six months later.

We’ve all heard the stories before, though the characters vary. Sometimes it’s boy meets boy, sometimes it’s girl meets girl–the point is when you’re dating monogamously, the issue of marriage arises. Or the lack of it arising becomes an issue, whichever boat floats atop your situation. And some of you are just looking for a solid commitment, you can’t even fathom marriage yet. Nevertheless, when the marriage/commitment conversation does rear its head it might be a fugly one! So how do you approach this very delicate issue without scaring the other person off? Let’s take a looksy.

The first step is to know what YOU want. And the second step is to make that clear. On our first date, (see the details of that date here) Mr. Right-For-Now looked me dead in the eye and said: “I’m not really looking for another girlfriend. I’m looking for a wife.” And I gulped, audibly–the task of finishing my shrimp alfredo interrupted by the weight of that thought. Because he was very much serious. Considering my relationship ineptitude, I was content with the thought of just seriously dating again. But he made it clear that wasn’t enough for him. So if I wanted him, I would have to rethink how deep I wanted to get because he planned to work towards something permanent. So that night I went home and thought about what he told me. And the way I saw it, I could go hard in this or go home. Regardless of what I decided, Mr. Right-For-Now had no intentions on compromising what he wanted for the likes of me. But I respected him for telling me because it allowed me to decide if I was willing to step up to the plate or not.

Obviously, some of you haven’t done this and didn’t do this from the beginning in your relationships. You settled for the “it’s complicated” on Facebook when you know you wanted “in a relationship with.” Not to fear. There is a remedy called an ultimatum. Yes, and do NOT be afraid of it.

Its never too late to have the commitment or marriage talk with your significant other.

What I’ve Read:

According to Cosmopolitan magazine, “it is a relationship myth that giving your guy [or your girl] an ultimatum will mess things up. As a matter of fact, it may be exactly what he needs.” (Read Should You Give Him an Ultimatum? here) If done tactfully–and please take note that the root word of tactfully is TACT–an ultimatum is a very effective tool. Cosmopolitan suggests bringing up your wants calmly but directly. Hints are ineffective. Then, you back off. Let the other person think about what you’ve posed and wait patiently for the answer. The party issuing the ultimatum must realize that you can’t make anyone do anything they do not want to do. If the other person isn’t ready or he or she doesn’t see you in future plans, don’t count on much changing.

What I’ve Done:

Quite frankly, I was tired. I didn’t know how many more ways I could tell him that we had a communication issue. And after the 300 millionth time saying the same thing, I had a feeling the results wouldn’t change much. This time, it had to sound a lot more urgent. I let him know that I had a serious need and if he continued to leave that need unmet, I would walk. And he finally listened. So I am very much in favor of ultimatums and have used them more than once in my relationship. I have also found that not only stating what you want but why you want it works even better. The key, however, to any ultimatum is follow through. If you tell him you will leave him if he won’t marry you, then you do actually have to leave at some point. Which also means that ultimatums should only come up in situations where it’s worth it to leave (and no, her obnoxious infatuation with Justin Bieber doesn’t make the cut).

You know what they say, “actions speak louder than words.” So if you really want her to commit, if you really want him to propose–act like it!

“Shocking Ways You’re Sabotaging Your Relationship”

 

Wow.

Romantic relationships remind me a lot of piñatas. We whack and we whack and we whack at them–incessantly, blindfolded. Until one day, they break. All the good things spill out, ready to be ravished by the vulture known as single life (and I’m only half-joking. Because when you’ve been in a relationship for a while, single life can and WILL eat you alive!) Suddenly, nothings left but a decorated carcass. And you’re wondering how the two of you even got to that point. Oftentimes, people don’t see the harm they’re doing to their relationship until it’s too late. But if we took the time to do check-ins, tune-ups, and check-ups we’d have less of a mess on our hands in the end. As the saying goes, “check yourself before you wriggety wreck yourself.” (yes, I did attempt to spell wriggety)

 

Cosmopolitan, the relationship bible for many, makes some interesting points in “Shocking Ways You’re Sabotaging Your Relationship.” I have indulged in a few of these bad habits and I’m sure many of you have as well. So why not change things before you beat your relationship to a pulp? Because I promise you, the result will NOT be loads of candy. Check the article out here!

Commitment Issues? Me? But Women Don’t Have Those

A little over a month ago, I went on a rather impromptu first date with a guy I‘m currently seeing. And on the night of our rendezvous, I had an unseemly black eye. In most cases, I would have simply rescheduled after the swelling on my face looked less like a botched Botox job. But the guy and I conversed on the phone a few times and he’d given off really good vibes. I decided to take a chance and go anyway.

For fear of looking too much like a Chris Brown and Rihanna rematch, we opted for takeout at his apartment instead of venturing out in public. And neither the apartment setting nor the black eye seemed to put a damper on the getting-to-know-you conversation. In fact, the story surrounding the facial swelling prompted a humorous conversation about my most recent relationship history. Unfortunately, the last guy I dated instigated a drunken brawl between my sister and I (over an iPod he refused to return). Needless to say, my sister and I made up—but I don’t see much of a future with Mr. Get-me-punched-in-the-face.

In between bites of shrimp Alfredo, my new friend listened to me carefully, laughed when appropriate, and lent his honest criticism.

“I think you have commitment issues”, he’d said. Knowing me for about a week—maybe, he addressed me with an undeniable certainty that made me actually consider the thought. Sure, we exchanged a few evil ex stories but what exactly in my past pointed directly to commitment issues? Those guys had wronged me, not the other way around! Commitment issues? Me? But women don’t have those.

I always thought most women had their weddings planned out by age 4. But a little research showed pre-pre-nuptial cold feet is a common thing for the modern woman. According to Audrey Chapman, author of Seven Attitude Adjustments to Finding a Loving Man, women got a little more than we bargained for after the movement for equality (check out her Q&A talking about commitment on the Discovery Health website http://tiny.cc/4ym7m). Chapman claims that the new opportunities women have to excel career-wise have women avoiding marriage just as much as men. So along with other un-pleasantries like their ability to pick up the tab, today’s women have also inherited men’s commitment issues (Isn’t “liberation” great?). Chapman goes on to describe the four types of commitment-phobic women.

The “Pity Party-Goer”. She’s got a classic case of what Chapman deems the self-fulfilling prophecy of dating, choosing all the Mr. Wrongs just to reiterate a deep down belief that relationships will not work. And doing things this way, she always manages to prove herself right.

The “Boomerang”. She continually goes back to that one lousy boyfriend she’s had since elementary school. They break up and get back together more than cheap jewelry. But she stays with the loser just to avoid a real relationship.

The “Detective”. This woman is on a never-ending search for perfection, keeping her from committing to anything solid. Her dream man is the best at everything. Regrettably, however, Mr. Perfect is just that—a dream.

The “Picky Picker”. Unlike the rest of these women, she tends to end up with good men. But she picks at them like a picky eater picks at her food, finding fault where there is none.

If you feel anything like I felt after reading this, your jaw just dropped to the floor. Its okay, pick it up and own your phobia. Hi, my name is Passion and I am a “Pity Party-Goer”. All this time I thought Mr. Right evaded me when really, I must have leaped a little too willingly into the arms of Mr. Wrong. And although my misadventures make great stories, it seems these jerks have all been a subconscious effort to avoid real commitment. So what’s next on the quest to becoming someone’s Mrs. Right? Well I don’t know yet. But I do know I will be seeing a lot more of this new guy.