Considering Tying the Knot?

Today, black people have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the US.

Marriage. In a society where nearly 50% of them fail, just saying the word can induce a migraine. The first thing it makes me think of is yelling, fighting, and custody. Admittedly, though, I am a child of divorce and have seen mostly marriage’s not-so-pretty side. Then there are the racial statistics that increase the risk of marriage failure if your skin is darker. And nowadays–if you’re black American–the chances of you actually ever getting married are pretty slim. But despite all the bad press, every so often I run into two people that make it seem like the greatest thing in the world. And that is the beauty of marriage, the mystery behind the “M” word–when it works it’s amazing and when it doesn’t work it’s hell.

So what makes a marriage work? Well I asked people and I did some research online. But that only brought up more questions. What is it exactly? Why do people do it? Why don’t people do it? What does it look like when it’s working? What does it look like when it’s failing? Does it only exist in these two extremes–blossoming or failing? Or do some people have average marriages?

As I began to dissect this marriage thing, I started to feel like the man in the yellow hat might come to claim me at any moment (that was a very clever Curious George reference just in case you didn’t get it!) Hopefully this particular curiosity does not kill me, however. Well I guess curiosity doesn’t really kill monkeys, just cats. But I digress. Since this marriage thing could go in so many directions, I wanted basics for now. I figured the best thing to do was ask Google “what should I know before getting married?” And voila. I stumbled upon a little guide from a guy who calls himself “dumb little man.” And his writing style is so exquisitely simple that I had to share it with my readers that might be just as curious as me about life after dating. So here is dumb little man’s “Things to Consider Before Getting Married.”

The Ultimate Ultimatum

Ultimatums can be an effective way to get what you want out of a relationship.

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy loves girl. Boy says “I’m not the marrying type.” Boy stays with girl for five years. Boy drops girl for some floozy and marries her six months later.

We’ve all heard the stories before, though the characters vary. Sometimes it’s boy meets boy, sometimes it’s girl meets girl–the point is when you’re dating monogamously, the issue of marriage arises. Or the lack of it arising becomes an issue, whichever boat floats atop your situation. And some of you are just looking for a solid commitment, you can’t even fathom marriage yet. Nevertheless, when the marriage/commitment conversation does rear its head it might be a fugly one! So how do you approach this very delicate issue without scaring the other person off? Let’s take a looksy.

The first step is to know what YOU want. And the second step is to make that clear. On our first date, (see the details of that date here) Mr. Right-For-Now looked me dead in the eye and said: “I’m not really looking for another girlfriend. I’m looking for a wife.” And I gulped, audibly–the task of finishing my shrimp alfredo interrupted by the weight of that thought. Because he was very much serious. Considering my relationship ineptitude, I was content with the thought of just seriously dating again. But he made it clear that wasn’t enough for him. So if I wanted him, I would have to rethink how deep I wanted to get because he planned to work towards something permanent. So that night I went home and thought about what he told me. And the way I saw it, I could go hard in this or go home. Regardless of what I decided, Mr. Right-For-Now had no intentions on compromising what he wanted for the likes of me. But I respected him for telling me because it allowed me to decide if I was willing to step up to the plate or not.

Obviously, some of you haven’t done this and didn’t do this from the beginning in your relationships. You settled for the “it’s complicated” on Facebook when you know you wanted “in a relationship with.” Not to fear. There is a remedy called an ultimatum. Yes, and do NOT be afraid of it.

Its never too late to have the commitment or marriage talk with your significant other.

What I’ve Read:

According to Cosmopolitan magazine, “it is a relationship myth that giving your guy [or your girl] an ultimatum will mess things up. As a matter of fact, it may be exactly what he needs.” (Read Should You Give Him an Ultimatum? here) If done tactfully–and please take note that the root word of tactfully is TACT–an ultimatum is a very effective tool. Cosmopolitan suggests bringing up your wants calmly but directly. Hints are ineffective. Then, you back off. Let the other person think about what you’ve posed and wait patiently for the answer. The party issuing the ultimatum must realize that you can’t make anyone do anything they do not want to do. If the other person isn’t ready or he or she doesn’t see you in future plans, don’t count on much changing.

What I’ve Done:

Quite frankly, I was tired. I didn’t know how many more ways I could tell him that we had a communication issue. And after the 300 millionth time saying the same thing, I had a feeling the results wouldn’t change much. This time, it had to sound a lot more urgent. I let him know that I had a serious need and if he continued to leave that need unmet, I would walk. And he finally listened. So I am very much in favor of ultimatums and have used them more than once in my relationship. I have also found that not only stating what you want but why you want it works even better. The key, however, to any ultimatum is follow through. If you tell him you will leave him if he won’t marry you, then you do actually have to leave at some point. Which also means that ultimatums should only come up in situations where it’s worth it to leave (and no, her obnoxious infatuation with Justin Bieber doesn’t make the cut).

You know what they say, “actions speak louder than words.” So if you really want her to commit, if you really want him to propose–act like it!