Are We Living in A Dream World?

"We are a unit. We have always been a unit. We  function best as a unit." D.L. Smith

Freshly crocheted dreadlocks swung in unison, falling slightly below her shoulders, drawing my eyes to her slim waist and protruding lower half. Covered by a modest dress, she left more to be desired.  She held a torn and tattered Bible in her right hand, indicating hours of studying and living with God’s word.  Her walk embodied soul music, not the kind found on the radio but the kind found on city street corners, poetry lounges, and in Grandparents’ vinyl collections. Her joys and fears, anxieties and triumphs radiated from her skin just as much as the melanin.  We are related–not by blood but by spirit–a match felt most at the heart. Her eyes captivate me, keeping my attention strictly on her mind as we discuss life, love, and our communities. “I wish these black men would step their game up.  Too many of them act so immature and they’re always avoiding responsibility.  Where are all the real men at? … (Sigh)  I’m gonna end up marrying a white man.”  As these words poured from her mouth, I heard the frustration in her voice and watched the despair on her face.  It was as if she had been unwillingly subjected to a life behind bars.  I ask her, “Do you think marrying a white man is helping the problem or hurting it?”  She paused, and then replied, “It’s not my fault there are so few successful black men.  I just want to be loved.”

This is where the problem lies with black men and women.  There is a fundamental disconnect.  It is all of our faults collectively that there aren’t that many “successful” black males and females.  Though we have been systematically separated since slavery, we stay separated partly due to our own mentalities–which are born from the situation the original separation produced.  The oppressor society benefits from us hating each other. It is by design.  Divide and conquer.  As long as we remain at odds with one another, how can we ever expect to rise together as an entire community?  Black men and women need to stop thinking individually and more cohesive.  We are a unit.  We have always been a unit.  We function best as a unit.  Once we begin to think of ourselves as a team then we can look at how society has continually tried to split us up.  We can redirect our anger away from one another and towards an unjust society.  However, in doing so, we must not simply place the blame for our condition against the system.  We have to take on responsibility and hold ourselves personally accountable for our actions as well as the actions of our counterparts and community.

Black women it is your fault there aren’t as many “successful” black men as you would like because when loving black men becomes difficult, you choose the easier route. You condemn us instead of accepting the calling to nurture us.  It takes a village to raise a child.  It takes a bunch of strong, loving black women IN that village to raise a black male.  For you to negatively criticize and condemn black males, without much sympathy towards our collective struggle, you are only part of the problem.  It is easier to shun than to love.  The reason why you have to take responsibility is because no one else will! No other race cares about us the way you do!  Us black men don’t even care enough to save ourselves!  Love produces love and abandonment produces more abandonment.  Please, save me from myself and Love me.

Black men it is our fault our women feel abandoned.  It’s because we don’t take the time to gain the knowledge and realize that we try to play a game that isn’t made for us to win.  As long as we keep playing by the oppressor’s rules, we will continue to fall into the same life traps (jail, drugs, unemployment, etc).  It is up to us to demand change.  We need to be part of a society where our presence is needed and from that we can provide for ourselves and our families.   We have to realize that sellin’ drugs, pimpin’ hoes and blowin’ money fast are community breakers, not builders.  We have to realize that us endorsing these issues only makes us look like clowns. Meanwhile, other communities leave us in the dust.  We must realize that being smart is cool.  And where I’m from (Cheaptown, USA) blowing money fast is NOT COOL.  We too, are also guilty of thinking too individually.   We think having the flyest clothes and most money equates to manhood.  Meanwhile the Gucci CEO doesn’t give a damn about us and our little cousin can’t afford to go to college.  Our women feel abandoned because of the countless “successful” black men they see in society married to white women.  We see the white man as having power.  So we strive to do anything we can do to be like him–even take his women.  He will even encourage us to TRY to become like him but the fact is we will never become him.  When we do so much jockeying in an attempt to be like him, we ultimately turn our backs and look down on our own.

Black men and women it is up to us to take our community back.  It is a shame that 7 out of 10 black children grow up in single parent households.  The cycle will continue unless we take individual and communal responsibility.  No one else will save us.  If we are all surrounded by positive and long-lasting relationships the chances of our own relationship being positive and long-lasting, skyrockets.  So bruh, if it’s out of love, then marry that white girl (Yeah… I said it!). Love sees no color boundary.  But if you are marrying her because you think it will give you status or you will be free from “attitude,” forget it. You’re still gonna hear her complaining about you not being emotional plus the cops, court system, and banks still think yo’ ass is black.   So come on home, at least there will be some good food (with seasoning on it).

To all the black women in my life and to the ones I’ll meet in the future, thank you for saving me.

“I’ma do the best I can do, cuz I’m my best when I’m with you.” – Common – “Come Close To Me”

Everybody Loves A Put On: Awkward Black Girl

Every once in a while, when you’re in the mood, you discover things worthwhile on your own. But most times, somebody else discovers that something’s cool before you do and puts you on. Everybody loves a put on. Especially when you’re put on by someone you share similar interest with. It’s almost like without seeing, hearing, or tasting whatever this new thing may be, you already know that you’re going to like it. Put ons are kind of like cheating on a test–you didn’t do any of the work but you still get to enjoy the positive outcome (and yes, I’m aware this isn’t a morally sound analogy). Only they’re with new experiences. So when my cousin posted a Facebook status expressing her dual love for both The Misadventures of Ms. Not-Right-Now (aka the blog you’re currently reading) and a set of vlogs entitled The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl, my curiosity was instantly sparked. What could she possibly love that belonged in the same status as her love for my blog? But even before clicking,  I knew without knowing that I’d just found love. Besides, anything mentioned alongside me had to be good (JK. Okay not really)! It’s only right that I now pass the put on because I know some of you will enjoy this just as much as we did…

“When Great Sexual Chemistry Isn’t Such a Great Thing”

Just because the sex is great, it doesn't mean you and your partner are compatible!

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What Women Should Know About Men

Am I the only one that remembers singing this on the playground?

It always seems like a major advantage to homosexual relationships is not having to overcome biological differences. Who better to understand a woman than another woman? Who better to comprehend a man than another man? Which is why gay men often make great friends for women because they embody the best of both worlds. They are full of inside-a-man’s-mind information but they’re willing to share it with you because they’re not trying to get inside of your pants. I’m in no way saying all women understand each other or all men think the same. I’m also not saying gay relationships are easier. Relationships are hard across the board because they involve two people with different ways of perceiving the universe trying to become one. And despite how you may feel about gender identity issues, there are similarities in brain wiring and cultural expectations among the sexes that make it seem like women come from Mars and men from Venus (or Jupiter to get more stupider). So the universe might look a bit different when two people start out on separate planets. I constantly have to jump over the moon of understanding. I don’t get men. I find them strange, unemotional, and crude. Unfortunately, I also find them endearing, intriguing, and they smell amazing (well…some of them do). And most men I know don’t even try to understand women. But no matter which sex you may be attracted to, there’s benefits to knowing things about the one you’re not. Because the world we live in is a crazy co-ed co-habitat. So here’s a list of things Women Should Know About Men from the woman who calls herself The Man Doc.

Silent Killers

Hope is a simple healthy relationship technique that we all forget to employ from time to time.

I sat upright in the bed, feeling alone–though he was mere feet away in the other room. Wasn’t I supposed to be happy today? He’d went out of his way to make sure of it. He’d booked a hotel downtown, rose petals on the bed spelled out a vibrant “I Love U,” and he ended the evening with a romantic dinner cruise aboard the Spirit of Washington. Our relationship had just turned a year old and he’d spared no expense. Since I met Mr. Right-For-Now, I’d been dreaming of this day. So why did it feel so empty? Maybe because I knew that we wouldn’t last too much longer than that year I’d desperately hoped for. A few weeks prior to, Mr. Right-For-Now explained he’d need to get more serious about his CPA (Certified Public Accountant) courses. The conversation turned sour very quickly. For him, that meant backing off of our relationship and taking more time to study. For me, that meant breaking up. How could we possibly fix all the problems we have if he’s going to spend even less time than he already is? I wondered. So I prepared to watch my relationship die. It couldn’t possibly work out. My move back home already placed undue stress on us. And I knew we weren’t ready for more. This was it. I could feel it that tense day at my house. And as we sat celebrating how far we’d come, I felt it again.

When I began blogging, I promised to share my relationship mishaps with you in hopes that you would find yourself in me and maybe even find help in me. So I want to make it more clear than it has been in other blogs that I’ve made a mistake that nearly killed my relationship. The idea behind any silent killer–whether it’s the ultraviolet rays of the sun, arsenic, or Ben & Jerry’s strawberry cheesecake ice cream (aka sex in your mouth)–is that you never see death coming until it’s too late. I knew that I could be very logical bordering on cynical in my approach to relationships. I knew that I had a lot of doubts about Mr. Right-For-Now and men in general. I also knew that sometimes it occurred to me that God might even want me to live the rest of my life with cats. But I never considered that these thoughts had the power to kill us.

In psychology, there is a term called the self-fulfilling prophecy. A self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when someone makes a prediction and it indirectly or directly becomes true. This prediction can be about a person or an event. We communicate that prediction with various cues in our body language. People will often respond to those cues and adjust their behavior accordingly. And the prediction becomes true. For example, a teacher meets her students on the first day and notices a girl with dark clothes, dark paint on her finger nails, dark hair, and dark lipstick. The teacher expects this student will exhibit some behavioral problems and won’t achieve. The student feels her teacher doesn’t believe in her or care about her education and consequently fails the course. Outside of psychology, many call this concept the Law of Attraction. The only difference between the self-fulfilling prophecy and the Law of Attraction is that the Law of Attraction involves a little more spirituality. It argues that we throw those cues out to the universe and the universe will respond to us in a way that fulfills that prediction. Whatever you choose to call it, the basic idea remains the same–”what we expect is what we get” (To read more on this idea, check out this article).

I expected that I couldn’t handle the sacrifice it would take for Mr. Right-For-Now to do what he needed to do, therefore I could not handle the sacrifice it took for Mr. Right-For-Now to do what he needed to do. The whole time I called myself “trying to make it work,” I walked around disgruntled, I felt unappreciated, and I cried a lot. I felt wronged. How could he do that to us? Why would he make a decision that forced him to choose between me or his dream? And I began to question everything that year had been about. Did he even really love me? How could he love me if he was so willing to lose me? Doubt attacked every cell in my body and multiplied. Debilitating self-absorption became my cancer of choice. And as my relationship lay sick in the hospital, breathing its last breaths, my heart filled to the brim with an anger I didn’t know I had. I was angry at Mr. Right-For-Now for killing us.

“Are you forgetting that you made the choice to break up?” he asked me, his own anger apparent. Though I didn’t tell him then, he was right. I chose death. I chose to believe every negative thought and feeling I had the day he walked through my doors and said that things were going to change. I believed we would spend less time together but our problems would escalate because of the neglect. I never once considered fighting. I never once considered HOPE. And now we sat in intensive care all because I willed it so–all because I didn’t believe. If something didn’t change, we were going to die.

Love and relationships, like all things in life, have a spiritual aspect to them. And when I say spiritual, I do not necessarily mean Christian if that’s not your thing. I mean they have an essence that’s larger than mankind and can’t be explained by science. I believe Love is a higher power, whether you call that power God, fate, the universe, or the Law of Attraction. It is the one factor that every major religion on Earth has in common. Doctors, teachers, and preachers don’t always have the answers. But Love, true Love, conquers all. When the odds stack up against you and the one you Love, the best thing to do is have HOPE in the power of Love. And the universe will respond accordingly.

“I’m sorry,” I cried, “I was wrong.” I took in sharp breaths as I tried to regain my composure. Even though the next year of barely being in a relationship would be hard, I was willing to hope for the best. Mr. Right-For-Now stood me up and took me in his arms. He squeezed me tighter than he squeezed me in months. He held on to me with everything he had inside of him.

“Thank you,” he whispered as he placed a simple kiss on my forehead. As the two of us decided to choose life, I vowed to always cling to HOPE no matter how small it may be. Because without HOPE, there’s only lack. If you want to fight off the silent killers in you’re own relationships–whether they be distance, communication issues, or actual sickness–invoke HOPE.

#YoureSingleBecause

Relationships are mirrors that help us see ourselves.

Though I’m sure many of you heard of, indulged in, or seen the likes of the trending topic #ImSingleBecause on Twitter–none of you have been so incensed by it as I am. In typical Twitter fashion (for those of you still living under a rock), during a trending topic, people all around the world will use this social network to write 140 character statements describing how they feel or happenings in their lives. The statements, called “tweets,” then broadcast to a group of your friends called “followers” and if you have an open account (vs. a private one) to the world. Therefore, a “trending topic” becomes an opportunity for the whole world, literally, to talk about one thing. All the tweeters have to do is mark their tweets with a hash tag (#) and the topic at hand. In the case of #Imsinglebecause, the 140 characters supposedly explain why the tweeter feels he or she has no luck in the relationship department. And every time someone marks a tweet with #imsinglebecause, the hashtag becomes a link in the tweet. The link leads to a grand list of everyone on Twitter currently talking about that same thing. To access the list, you simply click the hashtag. For the creator of the Misadventures, a blog for young singles and young daters who want to better themselves, it would seem a list of this capacity would be EPIC (notice the capitalization–for dramatic emphasis). Young men and young women everywhere coming together to admit their faulty dating practices–what could be better than that??

Well let’s take a looksy shall we?

Ahhh. Well it seems as though I was even more wrong than those May 21st judgement day people who quit their jobs (in THIS economy). Instead of insightful, self-aware answers–this trending topic, like plenty others before it–turned out to be more evidence that my generation is doomed. I cringed inside as I noticed the vast majority of these tweeters blamed their single status on factors outside of themselves. No one seemed to consider that the reason they were single had something to do with them. And I fear that even outside of Twitter, many people don’t understand that small fact–you’re single because of you.

The Relationship As A Mirror Theory

Whether we’re talking about the habitual liar YOU picked up at the club last night or the crazy girl YOU introduced to your parent’s last month, the operative word is YOU. You were attracted, you pursued, you gave your number out, you said “I do”–no one else but you. Typically, when I start talking like this, many people get defensive. I hear things like “but I didn’t know he was crazy. If I knew, I wouldn’t have dated him” or “man that girl cheated on me! how is that my fault?” or the infamous, “I can’t help who I am attracted to.” And to a certain extent, that is correct. Attraction has a lot of chemical, scientific, and spiritual factors that you are not aware of and therefore cannot control. But there is also an extent to which that is completely incorrect. A pastor once told me, “you are what you attract.” Which means there is something about you that attracts lying men and crazy women. It is no coincidence that a woman with very low self-worth will attract a man that beats her. If she beats on herself, she is more likely to take it from someone else.

Still not following me? I’ll give you a personal example. As some of you know, my last relationship was with a man we call Mr. Lies-About-Everything-But-His-Name. Not so surprisingly, Mr. Lies-About-Everything-But-His-Name also happened to be extremely unfaithful to me. And when I found out about his infidelities, I would use that as an opportunity to enact my own brand of justice. I cheated back. Also, not so surprisingly, he wasn’t the only person I had this relationship pattern with. I’d done the same thing with the boyfriend before him. In fact, I’d done it all throughout my dating life. The boy would cheat or I assumed he cheated and I’d use that as a justification to cheat myself. Because of this, I remember accumulating 7 “boyfriends” at once when I was a teenager. So when Mr. Right-For-Now pointed out my fear of commitment, I started to connect all of the dots. Maybe I’d always dated a cheater because there was a part of me that was prone to cheating. If I dated the faithful kind of guy, he’d expect that I’d also be faithful. And maybe I just didn’t have that in me. So I found myself with cheaters.

The key to understanding your patterns is realizing you play out most of them subconsciously. I didn’t wake up saying “let me see, let me see, who’s going to cheat on me today? Ah you there, fella in the blue, you look like a cheater. Here, take my number!” Au contraire. I saw a cute guy and flirted with him until he decided to ask for my number. Nothing more, nothing less. Or so it will seem to the untrained eye. Without the help of a mirror, the untrained eye cannot see what it cannot see. You will only have a very fragmented idea of what you look like. You might be able to feel the width of your nose with your hands or trace the curve of your chin with your fingertips–but that’s just a fraction of the big picture that is you. So, if you allow them into your life, relationships–whether healthy or non–can act as mirrors of the subconscious, reflecting the inner most beliefs, desires, and feelings. Relationships help you see the things you otherwise wouldn’t. As my boss would say, how you “show up” in the mirror of relationships is often how you “show up” in the mirror of life.

The next time you’re tempted to type #Imsinglebecause no one holds my attention, look a little deeper. What you’re really saying is #Imsinglebecause in general I’m an unfocused person and I don’t have the focus to be in a relationship right now. Or when you go to write #Imsinglebecause women aren’t mature enough, think about the things inside of you that might’ve attracted those immature women. Maybe as a man, you’ve got some more growing up to do yourself. (I think my friend, the ever so eloquent Katt Williams, said it best. If you can see past the expletives, please enjoy the clip I’ve embedded below!) The key to ridding yourself of harmful habits is to own them. If you understand that your lack of ambition will attract a lazy person into your life, then you can start looking into ways to get motivated. When you make a decided effort to become Mr. or Ms. Right, it’ll be much easier to bump into someone looking for just that.

8 Reasons To Wife Her…A Man’s Perspective

 Note from the editor:

As the Misadventures experiences growth (thanx to all of you), I’m very much open to the contributions of other writers. So with no further adieu, I bring you the words of D. L. Smith. And I hope you enjoy them! –Love Ms. Not-Right-Now

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 D. L. Smith is a recent college graduate who enjoys corny jokes, crisp pizza, and horror movies in ghetto theaters. Ladies, he is also very single. And he’s probably going to kill me for saying that. LOL. Follow him on twitter at @EnjoyThat.

"Wife her because she wants to see you grow." - D. L. Smith

(1) Looks.

“Yo your wife is bad son,” is probably one of the best compliments a man feels he can receive. It shows that he knows how to pick ‘em and keep ‘em. We must be clear that looks are not the sole nor main reason to wife a girl. But they do play an important role. When you see attractive women daily, you need to be able to resist the temptation. Being satisfied with how your lady looks will help buffer daily testosterone outbreaks. Find someone who you’re proud to make your girl. Wife her because you are happy coming home to her face everyday.

(2) Attractive Personality.

Uh-oh, everybody just got quiet. This is the most important factor in wifing her. This is also the most complex of all the reasons. To start out, knowing what personality traits you find attractive begins with knowing yourself (PREACH!) Once we know what we like, don’t like, can tolerate, can’t tolerate, need, and expect, then we can decide what personalities are poppin’ to us. What I like may not be what you like. I like girls who are ambitious and funny. You may like the girl who is lazy and corny. To each his own, ya dig? But seriously, all of us, male and female, need to know ourselves first. So do some soul searching. Be real to yourself because if you can’t keep it real with yourself, how can you expect to keep it real with anybody else?

(3) Common Interests.

I actually got this from my uncle this past 4th of July weekend when I asked what keeps him and his wife of 49 years together. Find things that both of you like. You don’t have to enjoy everything each other does. But make sure that some of the things you genuinely enjoy doing, she likes doing–or can at least happily tolerate. And vice versa. If my girl loves to  dance, listen to music, and praise the Lord (Hallelujah!), then she’s in the running for me. If she likes Rick Ross as an artist/entertainer/person, WE WON’T WORK! Certain interests say things about a person. It doesn’t matter what you two have in common just make  sure that the things that are most fun to you, you can still do while she’s around.

(4) Humor!

Why did the fish get kicked out of school? He got caught with Sea-weed. If you and your partner can’t laugh together, you might as well kiss the whole relationship goodbye. SERIOUSLY. Sometimes she just needs to smile and the simplest way to a smile is through a laugh. If you’ve ever connected with a woman on that level you know what I’m talking about. You can laugh just by looking at each other. Make sure you two share a similar humor; this will make difficult times a lot easier.

(5) Financial Humility.

Yeah, she makes money but she doesn’t throw it in your face.  She still allows you to be a man and doesn’t let your (sometimes pitiful) attempts to financially provide for her go unappreciated. If she makes more than you, she doesn’t make you feel inadequate. She knows she doesn’t need you to pay for everything but she still recognizes how important it is to have a man in her life. And she lets you fill that void.

(6) Swag.

This is a make or break. If she is the type of woman who is too scared to be herself, regardless of who she’s around, this woman will lose out on a lot of good men. She must express herself (WITH TACT) and have confidence in her beliefs. She can’t be too shy. We ALL have to remember that no one can judge us but God–so stop worrying about what the next person thinks. PSA: You find self-esteem from your SELF. Not from any organization you join, any magazine you subscribe to, or any clothes and make-up you wear. Self-esteem comes from knowing yourself flaws and all, accepting it, and having the courage to be who God made you to be. Stop trying to be someone else. It is not sexy. Wife her because she’s confident in her own mind, body, and spirit.

(7) Integrity.

This is the woman with strong moral values. She loves hard. She doesn’t hate. Difficult to imagine but they exist. It takes a certain amount of life experience and growth for anyone to even reach this level. A woman with integrity is the one who is beautiful from every angle AND faithful as a mug. Once you build trust with her, it takes a lot to break it. I’m not saying she’s incapable of infidelity, lying, or what-have-you. But she will come to you and honestly confess her faults. A real man can only respect the way she goes about it because he knows no one is perfect. Her honesty is attractive. Knowing and trusting in her morals allows you to feel secure even when she’s backstage at the Trey Songz concert (DAAAYUM!! That’s extreme). You can be confident that even if something happens that may upset you, she will at least tell you about it. And that’s the most we can ask for. But it goes both ways. If we want these characteristics in a woman, we have to act the same way. Perfection is impossible but keeping honesty at the center of a relationship is damn good.

(8) Positive Support.

Often people will try to pass their negativity off as “realism.” True, as men we need to be smart and logical in our decisions and adventures. But if a man has a dream he wants support from his woman–NOT all the reasons why he shouldn’t do it. Encourage her to be critical of you but don’t allow her pessimism and fear to stop you from reaching your goals. As (black) men, there are already enough outside factors deterring us from believing in ourselves so we need positive inspiration in our romantic relationships to succeed. Wife her because she wants to see you grow.

“The Reappearing Man: Why Men Always Come Back”

Click here to read me!

11 Famous Men I’d Legitimately Date…

…If I were–you know–single!

11. Taylor Lautner

The Rundown

|age: 19

|sign: aquarius

|where you know him from: twilight saga

Admittedly, this one is completely superficial. Although I found Jacob’s immaturity a little obnoxious while reading the Twilight Series, Taylor “Hotner” brings a boy-next-door lovableness to the character and makes some of the movies (cough cough New Moon) a bit more bearable. It’s no wonder everyone’s #teamwerewolf! And I’ve always admired how he gained weight just for the role. When the new directors of Twilight threatened to replace him, he completely committed to changing his body. That’s true dedication to the eyes of women everywhere!

1o. Jamie Foxx

The Rundown

|age: 43

|sign: sagittarius

|where you know him from: the bench rider turned star player Willie Beamen in Any Given Sunday

Quite typical of a Sagittarius, Foxx loves to laugh and doesn’t take life too seriously. And in the looks department, let’s just say he’s come a long way since Bunz in Booty Call. So it wouldn’t be exactly love at first sight with Foxx. But the man is undeniably talented. Singing. Acting. Comedy. What doesn’t this man do–and do well? After his stellar performance in Ray, my respect for Foxx sky rocketed. In order to best portray the troubled, blind crooner, Foxx agreed to glue his eyes shut for the role. Which won him the 3rd Academy Award awarded to a black male for best actor in a leading role. He’s one man who knows how to use what God’s given him–and I will always Love him for that!

9. Nate Parker

The Rundown

|age: 31

|sign: scorpio

|where you know him from: the quick-witted bad boy Henry Lowe in Great Debaters

I don’t know much about this kid but I LOVE the roles he plays. He blessed the screen as book-toting nomad bad-ass Henry Lowe in Great Debaters, Alicia Keys’ stubborn love interest in The Secret Life of Bees, and the security guard with a conscious in Felon. He always plays this character who’s got the perfect blend of bad and good, masculinity and intelligence, strength and emotionalism. In other words, he’s  a good guy but he ain’t no pussy. And it makes me wonder if he’s like that in real life. It doesn’t hurt that he looks damn good in suspenders and driver’s caps! *sigh*

8. Will Smith

The Rundown

|age: 42

|sign: virgo

|where you know him from: your favorite womanizing police officer Mike Lowry

From his family life to his many talents in front of and behind the camera, the Fresh Prince turned out to be a rather respectable man–and a handsome one. I find it most attractive that Will Smith and family use their privileged position in society to teach the world and make it a better place. Movies like Ali, Pursuit of Happyness, I Am Legend, and Seven Pounds have a surprisingly profound positive message. And there’s nothing sexier than a man with a cause and the drive to change the things he sees around him. Smith is a true role model! If you’re wondering why he’s so low on the list, I can’t necessarily say that I agree with him and Jada’s arrangement. Even though they’re not really swingers, Smith admitted in an interview that they are allowed to cheat on one another to a certain extent. I don’t think I’d last very long in a relationship with that arrangement.

7. Common

The Rundown

|age: 39

|sign: pisces

|where you know him from:

Maybe you’re familiar with 1 of his 8 rap albums or you might know him for carrying Alicia Keys down 30 flights of stairs in “Smokin’ Aces” (a rather athletic feat if you ask me!)

Common reminds me a lot of my first real boyfriend. He’s the cool nerd. The kind of guy that probably studies more than you do but he can still dress his a-s-s off. And who doesn’t get weak in the knees for intelligent men with smart fashion sense? Unfortunately, since he’s a Pisces and I’m an Aquarius, I don’t foresee any wedding bells in our fake future. But I’d have at least dated him seriously for a while before I realized it just wouldn’t work out.

6. Wale

The Rundown

|age: 26

|sign: virgo

|where you know him from: as a member of Jay-Z’s Roc Nation and Ricky Rozay’s Maybach Music

This one may come as a surprise to some of you. Wale is hardly the most attractive guy I’ve ever seen but he may definitely be the realest. He’s the kind of guy that slips up on you–especially if he’s your friend first. Not only is Wale a poet (I LOVE poets) but he has a lyrical balance that I haven’t seen since Tupac. He creates a nice combination of music for  entertainment and music for life. And I all the way respect his hustle.

5. Shia LaBeouf

 The Rundown

|age: 25

|sign: gemini

|where you know him from: the alien activity and hot-babe magnet Sam Witwicky

Despite what it may look like, Labeouf has had to overcome a lot of adversity to get where he’s at today. He actually became an actor because his family didn’t have very much money. I’m attracted to a man who hasn’t had everything handed to him his whole life and knows the importance of a good work ethic. Labeouf definitely fits the bill. In addition to being an all-around interesting guy with an incredible background story. I’m sure the conversations would be amazing! And though he wasn’t much of a looker as a kid (remember Even Stevens?), he’s grown into a rather sexy young man.

4. Aaron McGruder

The Rundown

|age: 37

|sign: gemini

|where you know him from: the creator of everyone’s favorite black cartoon family, The Freemans

The Boondocks, particularly the first 2 seasons, is some of the strongest and most controversial satirical writing in history (yes, I feel that strongly about it). So it should come as no surprise that I have a mini crush on its creator. Though he’s dashingly handsome, I’d rather pick his brain. From remaining “cautiously pessimistic” about Obama’s presidency to calling Condoleezza Rice a mass murderer at the NAACP image awards in 2002, Mcgruder knows how to attract controversy because he has a hard time keeping his mouth shut when he feels strongly about something. I think debating McGruder on his politics and his methods would probably be the biggest turn-on of my life.

3. John Legend

The Rundown

|age: 32

|sign: capricorn

|where you know him from: the one who makes you get up and dance every time you hear “Green Light”

This one pains me a little because I don’t think it would work out between the 2 of us–at least not astrologically. But as a man John Legend, born John Stephens, is definitely a force to be reckoned with. Not only does he create some of the greatest music in history with a sound that would make you think of another time period but he’s also an avid humanitarian. Legend spreads his good fortune and faith all across the world through countless acts of community service.

2. Barack Obama

The Rundown

|age: 49

|sign: leo

|where you know him from: extending your health insurance coverage to age 26

I’m not going to debate his politics or what he’s done right or wrong as 44th President of the United States because at the end of the day–he’s just a man. But Obama has an unadulterated,  never duplicated cool. His swag might just be on infinity and beyond! From calling Kanye West a jackass in front of the press to fist-bumping his wife, there’s a certain part of Obama that clearly doesn’t give an eff about tact or cameras. And that makes him a genuine and relatable human being. But what I appreciate most about Obama, if nothing else, is his clear love and devotion to his wife–a strong black woman–and his family. He has set a tremendous example for men everywhere. And you gotta love it!

1. Tupac Shakur

The Rundown

|age: 40

|sign: gemini

|where you know him from: the troubled gangsta Bishop who wanted nothing more than to have the Juice

Tupac Shakur is one of my favorite people who ever lived. It hurts me that he’s not actually around today. I think a lot of things would change because unlike most gangster rappers, Tupac was a warrior. He understood the power of the spoken word and the power of influence. He understood the struggle of the black man and the black woman in America. He had a real voice, a controversial voice, an uplifting voice, an encouraging voice. Overcoming a lot of adversity to act as a voice for a people who had no voice, he embodied the spirit of a Black Panther. And though some of his beliefs and actions were questionable (like his womanizing), he also died very young before we got to see how everything would turn out. I would have loved to see a 30 or 35-year-old matured Tupac. I earnestly believe he’d be doing a lot of good in this world.

***Other notables include: Andre 3000, Mos Def, Lupe Fiasco, Denzel Washington, Spike Lee, Idris Elba, Dwayne Wade, Eric Jerome Dickey, Black Ice, and maybe even Dr. Cornel West (you know–like 30 years ago)

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